Nell Rose's Blog

I title this entry Secret Fan because I can never remember the full title or author of this book.  I spent two weeks telling my friends about a great book I just read and when they asked the name of the book all I could get out was something something and the Secret Fan by someone someone.  Needless to say, they were perplexed. With one friend, I even compared the book to another book about a Chinese family in the 19^th century. You know, that book with the family that is poor than gets rich than gets poor again. You know, where it's all about the land. You, know. She didn’t know…the name either but she did know what book I was talking about. When my brain reconnected with my mouth, I called her and screamed through the phone, The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, yeah that’s it. Ok, my excuse for mental blocks? Senility? Stupidity? Mouth in Foot Disease? Too many books in my head? That one will do!

I think the reason why I only remember the secret fan part of the title is because the secret fan is a crucial part in the book; along with the secret women’s language, the secret sisterhood, and the secret rooms. I was eager to share my love of the book with the group. I was sure that we would be able to get to know one another better while discussing a book about friendship; maybe even become better friends… start our own sworn sisterhood.  Dream on, baby. It took us half the discussion just getting past the feet binding scenes. It was difficult to imagine a mother so cruel and children so willing to endure the pain. We did discuss that our culture has its own set of self mutilation: body piercings, tattoos, plastic surgery ….circumcision. Hating men was the next topic. Many claimed that both parents didn’t love their daughters but especially the men. Out of desperation and I must admit a bit of frustration, I quoted “Anyone who tells you that the Yao people never care for their daughters is lying.” That didn’t help much. We finally moved on to friendships. I asked if anyone had an old same in their life or a sworn sisterhood. At first this got some deeper insight floating about the conversation but mostly they thought that Snow Flower and Lily were lesbians! I suggested that maybe their relationship was more sensual than sexual?

At this point, I need to talk about Book Group etiquette. I am an expert on this because I have broken all the rules many, many times. This night I broke cardinal rule #1. Go figure.  I said,  “I disagreed” and to the host of all people.  What is my problem? Talk about odd ball.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

For those of you who may not know these rules of etiquette, the following may help.

Rule #1

Never say, “I disagree.” Do you want friends or what? Always agree with everyone there that you want to talk to the next day. Especially the host, since she feeds you.

Rule # 2

Never say, “In my opinion or I know.”  You don’t want anybody to think you are a know it all. Who said your opinion matters, anyway?

Rule# 3

Never quote from the book. That would divulge that you are a nerd. You don’t want anyone to know that you don’t have a life and can spend time memorizing lines and page numbers from an Oprah book club pick.  Never a good idea.

Rule #4

Never get into a bible bashing session. In this case book bashing.  It might go something like this, “On page 75, it clearly states that the family dog was a mutt.” “No, I am sure it was a pure bread lab, duh.”

Rule #5

Never share author biography information or interviews with the author or the authors’ website or anything about the author. That would take away from what we think the author meant.

Rule#6

If you are the host, always have creative, never heard of before, not even found in Good Housekeeping appetizers served on platters that only get dusted once a year and make sure you have booze.  Your book group attendance drops by 90% without the booze, I know this for a fact.

Rule # 7

Never, ever choose books ahead. Only choose one book at a time and only at the end of the meeting. Otherwise, way too much brain drain. 

I was at a ice skating rink with some friends. I looked to be about 18. I started putting on my skates and watching the other skaters. There were only about 10 people on the ice. They were all speed racing. I was excited to speed race as well. I got all ready and got on the ice and started speed racing. I went faster and faster. r54trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreft. Sorry, cat decided to walk on the keyboard.  I wasn't racing anyone in particular. We were all just practicing our speed racing. I was happy. I was really happy when I got to the end.

I do ice skate but I never speed skate.  I am not even that good at ice skating but I do go, sometimes. It is too cold for me but the kids love to go.  About three days ago, I spoke to a friend who's girls ice skate well. I told her we like to go but we never remember when open skate is.  She was surprised that we liked to skate and told me she would let me know when the next open skate was. The speed part?  I am always in a hurry??

I went to bed late last night and I needed to get up early. I woke up often which cut off my dreams early.  I had several, this one was the most complete.

I was at church having a Relief Society meeting which is a women's organization within our church.  There were many of us and the chairs were set up horizontally instead of vertically. And there were men in the group. There were mostly my students.  The teacher was a friend of mine from church. She was teaching about some doctrine. I am not sure what but from the comments in the class, I think it was about kindness. Then one of my students stood up and turned around to another student and told them that he thought he was rude and unkind and needed to repent. I looked on shocked but didn't interupt.

When I teach, I like to rearrange the chairs. I am having a particular time with it this semester. I can't find the best arrangement. I need the students to help set it up for me and sometimes they are reluctant. In the dream, I saw specific students from this semester but we won't mention who... protect the guilty and all that.

I have been in 5 book groups since 1996.  The first group was my favorite but mainly because it was my first, sort of like a first kiss, first date, first roller coaster ride.  I enjoyed all the ladies who came and their opinion and thoughts. I say ladies because all of my book clubs have been filled with just that, ladies. Why is that?  A male friend I know just lent me a Dean Koontz novel, so we know men read and some enjoy pleasure reading a lot. Would they not come if we invited them?? My first all ladies book group was also all Mormon. Which in someways was great, lots of common bonds but in other ways was not so great. We had to be careful what books we read as not to offend one another or more importantly, offend God.  This was tricky at times but we succeeded pretty well. I really didn't care what we read, I read it all. I was so hungry for this new dessert, I became the most dedicated book group member. I even took over the "leader" position of the group for a few years.  One of the first books we read was over 500 pages. I remember thinking that I would never be able to finish this book, yet I did - though I couldn't tell you a thing about it except that it was over 500 pages.  I thought, if I can read that, I can read anything. We read a lot of classics in this book group but also some contemporary. For awhile we were only reading women authors who seemed to hate men.  I remember The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver fitting right into the "we hate men" category.  I recall comments during these book group sessions as being full of opinion and vigor from no one but me.  I seemed to have no fear as to what I said or thought of the book. My overt and strong feelings gave way to some tension, but for the most part, these ladies were saintly and just smiled and kept their thoughts of my naiveté and immaturity to themselves.

The next group I joined was also a church book club but in a different area. This group had lots of potential but way too many restrictions. We argued about what to read alot. When we read The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, it was like all hell broke loose. Half the women loved  it, the other half hated it and found it disgusting and sinful that the first half loved it. I personally hated the book too but one thing I had started to learn from my last book group experience was that all opinions were valid and sacred.  Opinions were just that after all and not a statement on a persons' spirituality or level of Christian committment.  I ended up trying to keep this group going for awhile but it never got the momentum it needed. 

My third book group was my own. I called it Nell's Book Group and invited mostly friends that I knew liked to read and were open minded. This group only had about 4 to 5 ladies who came each time. It was a small group but some great, fulfilling discussion, good food, and I read some of myh favorite books while in this group.  I would have liked to have more ladies come but I realized that there really are not that many women who love to read enough to take the time to talk about what they read. Often reading is an escape and when you discuss it, then it becomes work. Counterproductive. Why do I like reading for pleasure AND working through discussion questions and researching authors? Probably because I love to study and learn. This group disbanned after a year because our family was moving out of the country for 6 months. On returning, I went back to work full time and decided that it was too much for me to take on.

Fortunately, on our return home, our church group decided to start a book group again.  There were only three members who came regularly. It was really an occasion for us to spend time with one of the ladies from church who is a parapelegic and loves to read and have visits.  We read several interesting books and had a lovely time visiting.  This was the most low key book group I had been in yet and I kind of liked it. Just read, show up, visit, talk about the book if you want to, eat and then run.  Yet, I started feeling the need for more so when this group disbanned after about a year, I thought again of starting my own book group.

That is when I was invited to join the book group I am currently in.  This group mostly consists of women who live in the same neighborhood. Exept for me. I live in a subdivision about 3 miles west.  I was not able to come to many of the first meetings but I did read all but one of the books they discussed. Though I enjoyed meeting with the women, it was really low key. Sometimes, someone would ask, "so did you like the book".. yeah, nah... and that was it. The rest of the time was spent eating a little, gossiping a little, and drinking alot. Many of the ladies knew each other from growing up or from their church or just from being in the community. At times, I felt like an odd ball. Yet they continued to invite me and we even had the group meet at my house once, which was a real bummer for most of them since I had no booze.  Most of the books we read are top sellers. I have enjoyed about 40%. Yet of that 40%, I have read some great books like The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See.

The rest of my blogs under the book thoughts category will be my take on the books we read in the group and my take on the discussion. I hope to stay informative and objective but I have a feeling that may be too much to ask.

I had a horrible night last night, I wasn't feeling well and I did not sleep well. I had several mumbo jumbo dreams. This one is the most coherent.

I was on my mission again. I served a mission for my church many years ago. I was at a District conference meeting. This is a gathering of serveral missionaries from different areas. There were two missionairies speaking and then all the other missionaries got up to bear their testimonies. A testimony is a way of sharing one's feelings about the gospel. They were all speaking French, some better than others. One sister missionary spoke several languages including some Hungarian. I was drawn to her because of her Hungarian. I understood some of what she said.  I was lying down on a couch most of the time covered in a blanket. Some other missionaries asked each other who I was.  They looked at me. I said, "Je suis missionaire."  I then stood up and left the room. I went into a room that was like an office. Two male missionaries followed me. They were helping me set up a printer. The printer was from the 1980's but still worked.  We were trying to figure out which printer ribbon to put in. There were several and the serial numbers were almost identical. We finally agreed on which ones to use. I thanked them for their help and they left. 

This is a recurring dream for me. I often am back on my mission when I sleep. There are some Hungarians living here for a year and I have yet to meet them, I have been thinking of studying Hungarian again lately. My dad got into computers in the 80's. I remember being like 12 and having to do a book report. I wanted to type it on a type writer or just neatly hand write it. My dad had to convince me to do it on the computer and to print it on this printer with hole punches on the side. I was convinced that I would get an F on the report if I turned it in that way. My dad finally pursuaded me and of course all was well. I was the only one who turned in a report printed from a computer.

This is a no brainer. I am again on another diet. This one is out of desperation. I am the heaviest I have been in 10 years.  I am not exactly sure what happened in the past year except I ate a lot more and excercised a lot less!! Hmm, maybe that was it.  My husband is in the same dilemma. 10 years ago, we went on a diet together and it worked brilliantly. We have been talking every day about doing the same thing for 6 months. We are consistant at excercising and eating for two days and then we fall off the wagon. We are definitely addicted to food. In the dream, I left the pie. I love pie, I never see pie and don't eat it. I am going to need my disciplined dream self to help me back into a healthy manageable weight.

The List.

Before I turned 27, my pleasure reading consisted of children's books and cereal boxes.  I then joined a book group and I have been hooked ever since.  Here is a list of books I have read since then and my brief opinion of them.  Enjoy!

There were two secretaries. One was a little older with brown hair. The other was a little younger, sandy brown hair and she kept looking at her watch and tapping her foot. The younger one was just finishing a copy project. She was getting approval on it from the other secretaries. It was not well done, it was poorly stapled and the paper was wrinkled. The brunette told her it had to be redone. The younger secretary complained that it was fine. The brunette said that the science teacher who had just come back from a sabbatical was very strict and that he was her uncle.  I approached the secretaries at this point. I told the brunette that my daughter was in his class and that she was very good at science and that she probably would start the math/science program next year with the local university.  She told me that her uncle was a real difficult teacher but if she thought about science "deeply" instead of just memorizing facts and formulas, it would be easier for her. The science teacher appreciates students who are curious and indepth.

Our oldest daughter is about to take the PSAT. The results of this test will give her some options as she moves on to 9th grade.  We have been discussing this alot in our house. My husband is convinced she could go into this math/science program linked with the local university. Our daughter just wants to do the excellerated math/science program they have through the high school. I don't like jumping the gun, so I tell them let's wait for the results of the test and then look at our options. Either way, she could have an old fart of a science teacher.

Happy New Year Friends and Family:

While listening to NPR (which I listen to a lot) on a long road trip, I learned about the annual holiday of Festivus which is celebrated in the country of Seinfeld (which I never watch).  When I told Reinhold that I would love to start celebrating this holiday which has as its main tradition the airing of grievances, he said we already did (he was mostly referring to our religious based tradition of Family Council and not my general personality). However, as a self proclaimed critical thinker (with all that the meaning implies), I decided to celebrate the New Year by airing my grievances publicly.  (I opted to skip on the unadorned Maypole and the only wrestling found in this house is between the cat and dog).

Political grievances

I grieve that many (though of course not all) Americans are choosing to get their information about Mormons from Newsweek and CNN (and even fewer from Evangelist’s) instead of well, a Mormon.

I grieve that though global warming is a topic worth all the attention it is getting, living in north eastern Michigan makes global cooling seem more accurate.

I grieve about the gas prices, milk prices, unemployment, and the ongoing struggle in Iraq, and anything else that is just plain troubling in the world.

Professional grievances

I grieve that self proclaimed intelligent people at work also love to gossip, use foul language, lie and enjoy the practice of character defamation.  Thank goodness for doors that can be closed and www.rfi.fr!

I grieve that the faculty kitchen which is three doors down from my office smells of delicious sweets all year round and that I have no will power.

I grieve that “loving your job” is not a viable line on your CV.

Posterity grievances

I grieve that it is becoming more difficult to “get” my teenager, that the middle child still reminds us daily that she is the “middle child” and that though the baby of the family is no longer really a baby, she doesn’t mind the title.

I grieve that my kids eat, drink and breathe pop culture.

I grieve that my talents and energy tempt me away from what I treasure the most, my family.

Personal grievances

I grieve that I still hate cooking.

I grieve that I still ruminate.

I grieve that I believe airing my grievances about life, myself and others is perfectly acceptable.

Happy New Year and may all your grievances be bright!

With Love!

For me, dreams have precognitive traits and MY dreams have always intrigued me.  I also love to read and  discuss good books.  So here is a modern journal simulation for those venues.  Click on dreams or book thoughts to go to the appropriate blog.  You are welcome to share YOUR dreams and thoughts. You may also enjoy family news and family photos!

I was an actress in a movie... probably a TV movie. We were a family of 5 living in a suburb of LA.  All the houses were close together with smaller front lawns and many had swimming pools. Many of the homes had chained fences around them.  Many of the home owners were retirees.  My husband and I were coming home laughing and happy.  He wasn't my real husband but my character's husband. He was dark haired and about 5'7".  The dream was in brilliant color. It was a sunny day. Then when we were indoors, he pulled out some tweezers and began to pull at all of our skin and mouth, trying to pull out hairs or teeth. It was awful and violent.  The older two children were able to run next door.  I ran across the street to an older women who at first let me in with eagerness. Then when she realized who I was, she began to belittle me and tell me that I was no good. I begged her to let me and my youngest child, an infant of about a year, to stay. We needed safety and we needed to call the police. She reluctantly agreed. Her son was in the kitchen making dinner. He served us up some. It was tuna on a plate... that's it, just tuna on a plate.  Then the police came, there was a confrontation with all the neighbors surrounding us. The police had to hear both sides. They asked me what I had done to provoke my husband. They finally agreed that I was in danger. 

I am not sure about this one except that I always wanted to be on TV??

I was visiting with a family from church. Their son was doing well, he was sitting up and talking. They were hugging and kissing and so happy.  I showed them a film with me in it and other religious propoganda.  They were polite but uninterested.  When I left, I began to cry. 

I was full of happiness and deep sadness in this dream. That's the trouble with loving someone.

I was watching my husband prepare for his job interview (which is real life). There were three candidates and he was the last one.  The second interviewee could not come when scheduled. She was misinformed by her secretary/life partner as to the date of the interview. My husband's lawyer was complaining to the search committe that he should still be able to interview last and that it was unfair treatment.  My husband was upset but calm. I was very curious as to why the interviewee was so misinformed.

In reality, my husband calls me two hours after I had told him about my dream to tell me that the second candidate backed out stating that she could not accept the job if it was offered to her and that it would just be wasting everyone's time. My husband doesn't have a lawyer but he did have interview anxiety and I had sympathy anxiety.